sbina lontyme

It's been quite the long hiatus from writing in here....hope i haven't lost the stream of consciousness.

stream of consciousness...of being conscious...alive...aware.

i guess a lot has happened in this lost time...but no use going back and rehashing now...trying to recollect a dream state instead of enjoying being awake seems foolish now.

the engine stalled for a minute..but it's running again...all the crud from falling into the ditch is finally off the windshield. i can pick up my speed and get back on the road. i can enjoy the view, look over at the other drivers and smile; we're all headed to the same place.

balls

i've found that very few people have the balls it takes to do the right thing. a lot of us talk about it and pretend that we are invincible. the truly ballsy are the ones who are not afraid to get swept up in the chaos and disappear forever...without a legacy, without any accomplishments. they live for the sake of living...

My list

I've been meaning to make a list of things I want to do in this lifetime. With recent reminders from wise friends, it is finally time:

Travel outside of the country by myself.

Make money with chocolate

Use that money to start an orphanage, have my parents retire, invest in my brother's dreams, invest in my friends' dreams.

Learn and practice acupuncture and herbal medicine

Become yoga certified and teach

Invent a doohickey

Make more paintings

Write a book

Have babies

Keep travelling

made for this

I've been seeing sides of me I never knew existed before. I was so sure of myself: who I was, what I like, what I don't like, what I want, etc. Then one person comes into my life and shakes it all up. And I choose to let him do that not really knowing why. There are great times spent with him, but are they really worth the times when I wake up in the middle of the night angry that he didn't call? All of a sudden, the irrationality, the anxiety, the insecurities come flooding out. The situation brings out my flaws and I don't like seeing it, but I stay. It's half curiosity, half masochism.

They say it's because I'm new to love and don't know how to deal with it yet. But I've been loving my friends and family for such a long time...I thought I was an expert. Why is this different?

Being the engineer that I am, I sat down to explore that a bit more. The love I have for my family and friends is backed by years of trust and reassurance. I know what their intentions are and don't suspect them of wanting something out of me. This new love is just that...new. I would like to think that I'm brave, but I'm scared out of my mind. Logically, I can't love someone I'm still getting to know. Then why do I get crazy about him?

I'm mean to those who are closest to me and I hate that I'm especially mean and critical of him. When I first made friends, I wasn't checking to see if every action was a red flag or not. But, I do that with him. It's because he's auditioning for the best friend for life position. Obviously, the bar is going to be raised. But, maybe I should hang back a little and relax. A good friend is never born out of a pressure cooker environment. I just need to know if I'm really made for this.

out on a limb

The theme of this month... taking risks.

Choosing the less comfortable, less safe path and going out on a limb takes a lot of courage. So what pushes us to that point? Curiosity, fear, hopelessness, and good reason.

Sometimes we just want to know 'what if'. What if it works? What if it'll make me happier?

Other times, we're afraid that not going out on a limb will result in regret or resentment.

Still other times, a person's current condition or lifestyle has become so unbearable or difficult that there is no other option but to take a risk in hopes of making things better.

Finally, we have the thinkers who weigh out the pros and cons and measure out when the risk is worth taking.

In any case, risk-taking is what leads to learning, growing, failing, becoming stronger.

We take the safe route because the rougher route is intimidating and we worry about failure. But, we used to fall when we were kids all the time...didn't stop us from getting back up and trying it again. So what's different now? Do we have more riding on it? Are the consequences more permanent? Is it a life or death decision? I don't know why when we get older, there seems to be a sense of irreversibility associated with every action. Til I find out, the risks will have to continue....mostly because it's nice to feel alive.